Caring for the women we love

The thoughts of breast cancer can be scary for a woman and all the people who love her.  Family members often report feeling overwhelmed at times with helplessness, fear, anger, and uncertainty. Keeping the lines of communication open and talking with your loved one is key. You can not “guess” what a woman’s feeling or needs, however there are some common elements to keep in mind:

• Listen to her fears and concerns – you don’t need to “fix” them; just be there to hear what she is going through. Share your fears and concerns with her as well.
• Join her for medical appointments – whenever possible attend the doctor visits to hear what is being discussed. It is said that we remember only about 50 percent of what is said at a physician’s appointment when discussing cancer. Be there as a second set of ears and to support her in decision-making.
• Take notes at the appointments.
• Let the patient decide – don’t take over the day-to-day decisions and be sure and talk about daily decisions, as well as treatment plans.
• Let her know how important her health is to you.
• Most importantly, let her know how important she is to you.

Below are some ideas on how loved ones can be of help to the women they love (compliments of Breast Friends). 

“Honey Do List”

• Give her hugs and kisses.
• Listen to her without judgment. Don’t try to fix this—it can’t be fixed.
• Help out around the house—rotate some laundry, do the dishes. Ask her how she wants it done.
• Bring home her favorite takeout meals.
• Bring her flowers—a single rose, a bunch of daffodils, or tulips.
• Talk about how scary this is for both of you. Reassure her that you will be there at each step of the way.
• Arrange for a babysitter so she can rest or do something fun with a friend.
• Hold hands.
• Take short walks together.
• See the complete list and other helpful suggestions at Breast Friends

We recognize that men need support as well. Men in general are not as open to discussing their fears and feelings with friends or others. You may find it difficult to talk about your feelings or may feel it will upset your loved one. However you need to take care of yourself and your own health and well-being as well.

• Talk to a loved one or trusted friend or family member.
• Educate yourself. This will give you more confidence and relieve some elements of uncertainty if you are informed about the type of cancer and treatment choices.
• Join a support group. A support group for patients and family members dealing with cancer meets at the hospital called Family/Partners of People with Cancer. A support group for care-givers and loved ones. Group facilitated by Nick Baylies, MD. Meets every other Wednesday at the Mid Valley Cancer Care Community from 7 - 8 pm. Call 503-949 1101 for more information.
  
• Seek counseling. The guidance and support of a qualified counselor may be extremely helpful. It is not uncommon for caregivers to experience depression.  Talk to your doctor or counselor about what you are experiencing.

Some other resources are

	Caring about the women we love Men Against Breast Cancer
	"The caregivers guide:  Side by side" A resource booklet available through the Breast Care Center at Salem Hospital. Call 503-561-6718 to have this resource sent to you.
	For Men with breast cancer A supportive place for men to meet and share their unique experience. www.breastcancer.org
	Online Support Groups Online Support Groups in The Virtual Wellness Community are free, password-protected weekly groups led by trained professionals. Online Support Groups are available for any person with any type of cancer and for the loved ones of people with cancer.
	National Breast Health Organizations Online Resources